7/11/10 Yay me!!

Weight: 185 lbs
Biceps: 13 in. -1
Chest: 43.5 in. -.5
Waist: 41 in. -2
Hips: 46.25 in. same
Thighs: 25.5 in. -1.25

Holy crap!!! I have been watching the scale go up and down the same 3 pounds (up first of course) and been so down on myself!!! I didn’t even think to check my measurements! Yay me!!!!

7/10/10 - my guilty pleasure :-)

At the beginning of summer I decided I was going to buy myself something special: an iPod touch. My friend has one and she’s constantly using it, so I did a search of all of the apps. First, I found my two favorite video games: Virtual Villagers 2 and 3. They are way cheaper than buying them for the computer. Then I was looking at all the health and fitness ones. I bought iWatch, which is basically a weight watchers points calculator without having to pay for weight watchers. I also bought All-in pedometer. Of course, I got the free translator and free facebook app. Then I also invested in iCan quit smoking and lose weight – both hypnosis.

I found the iPod for like $30 off on walmart.com with free site to store shipping. Then the wait began. I just can’t understand why they can’t just pull it off the shelf in the store or better yet, just honor the website prices, but they don’t and won’t. I thought I would go crazy waiting!!! But it finally came this morning and I was SOO PSYCHED!!! I plugged it into my computer and installed everything and charged it up. I also bought some of those marshmallow ear buds. I have troubles with headphones staying in my ears – probably why I haven’t owned a portable music player since there were cassettes. And I bought a sport arm band.

My workout playlist:
Over and Over 4:14 Suit Nelly/Tim McGraw
Summertime 3:25 Summertime - Single New Kids on the Block
Ice Box 4:17 Ice Box - Single Omarion
Caress Me Down 3:32 Sublime Sublime
By Her 4:09 Screamin' for My Supper Beth Hart
I Drove All Night 4:01 One Heart Celine Dion
Obsesion (Hsp Reggaeton Remix) 3:32 Caribe 2004 Aventura
Girlfriend (Spanish Version) 3:38 Girlfriend (Spanish Version) - Single Avril Lavigne
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) 3:13 I Am... Sasha Fierce (Deluxe Version) Beyoncé
Walk On Water 3:30 Disco Rojo Catch
Superman 5:50 The Eminem Show Dina Rae/Eminem
Gold Digger 2:05 The Mash Up DJ Greg J
Ghetto Cowboy 5:25 Chapter II: Family Reunion Drayzie Bone/Felecia/Layzie Bone/Mo ...
Dirrty 4:04 Lap Dancing Eclipse
Clumsy 4:00 The Dutchess (Bonus Tracks Version) Fergie
I'm Too Sexy 2:35 Make Me A Supermodel The Hit Crew
Hooked On A Feeling 2:39 This Is What Kids Call Music The Hit Crew
Bad Reputation 2:51 Bad Reputation Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Walking On Sunshine 3:59 80's Super Hits Katrina & The Waves
California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg) 3:56 California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg) - ... Katy Perry
Lip Gloss 3:42 Lip Gloss - Single Lil Mama
Missing You 3:27 Disco Rojo Lucy Carr
Shake It 3:00 Metro Station Metro Station
Shake That - Lil Fiz (Of B2K), Missy El... 3:11 Before The Rise (3 CDs) Mike Jones, Slim Thug, Missy Elliott
Check On It 3:33 100% Smash Hits 2006 Originally Made Famous By
Beware of the Boys (Mundian to Bach ... 4:05 Beware Panjabi MC
Sexy Can I (feat. Yung Berg) 3:24 All I Feel Ray J
Crank That (Soulja Boy) 3:44 Crank That (Soulja Boy) / Let Me Get '... Soulja Boy Tell 'Em
Love In This Club 4:23 Love In This Club (feat. Young Jeezy) -... Usher
I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor 4:26 R&B Classics Various Artists

I know, weird selection – but it works for me. So after my 4 ½ hours of virtual villagers, I decided to put the new pedometer to work. I got everything set up, put it on and cleaned my house for the full 2.1 hours of my playlist. I was sweating my ass off. I got done and plopped down on my fresh smelling couch and pulled the iPod out. Nothing!!! Apparently there is a lock button on the app that keeps it going when you put it in the arm band that I hadn’t noticed!!! Mental note to self: use the LOCK!!! Oh well, the music kept me moving anyway (and I’m sure the neighbors thought a cat was dying as I sang along, in two languages no less). My left earbud kept falling out, and I later discovered that I had put two different sizes on :-) Story of my life.

Well, my basement flooded this week with 4 inches of rain and though we spent a full day pushing the water out, I didn’t finish cleaning it. I got some borax laundry booster at the store so I can get the mildew out of the blankets that were on the floor, some elbow length rubber gloves – to protect me from whatever I may come across. I also got 10 big black trash bags to throw away all of the unsalvageable stuff, and some bleach to clean the floors. The smell is wafting up the stairs. We own two fans, but one of them broke this week and my dehumidifier started making noises and overheating this winter, but I’m going to try it anyway. Those things cost more than window air conditioners!!! My poor cat has been traumatized by all of this because that is his domain. I was too tired after cleaning the whole upstairs, so that is my task for tomorrow. This time the pedometer should be running!

6/30/10

Yeah, well, that didn’t last. I did only smoke a half a pack each day for 3 days. Then I got paid and smoked a whole pack in half a day. Worse, we went shopping today and I realized I have to get in a swim suit in 2 weeks. I’m feeling really depressed and anxious. I started to get stressed at the mall because they don’t have any suits left in my size, and I didn’t even have to try any on! Then my daughter has to add fuel to the fire by telling me that I do tend to eat fast food and have a hard time committing to anything. I don’t know if I am more irritated with her or with myself.

6/27/10

Ok, I’m running out of time and have already run out of money. Today I am done smoking. Summer is nearly half over and I haven’t lost any weight. I do feel stronger, but that is not enough. I’ve been saying for a long time that I was going to quit smoking and I have to just bite the bullet. This is the perfect time.

Where I want to be again

6/25 Latin Dancing Anyone?

I was looking at old pictures this morning. I used to look GOOD! I don’t care what anyone says about the weight that I was, I was fit! I may even post them here. Of course, Clayt, the everlasting naysayer, says if I looked that good at 150, I’d be a model at 117. Guess what? I don’t want to look like a model! I just want to look good/feel good! Who the hell does he think he is?!? We’ve never even met!

So my sister sent me this link this morning to this salsa dancing baby in Brazil. That was amazing! Then I looked up Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Our school dance team did a mixed dance (with boys) to that song and I missed it. I know they video taped it, but I never got to see it. I ended up watching several videos, including Shane Marcado in his basement and on the Bonnie Hunt show. He’s damn good! He even got to meet her. That was exciting. She should put him in a video. I bet there’s a grassroots FB page about it. I also watched the SNL parody that I loved! I could watch that over and over again.

So all those videos put me in the mood to dance so I got out my Latin Dancing for fitness videos. It’s a series of 5, 10 minute videos. I made it through two of them. I don’t look very pretty doing it though. There’s also no warm up or cool down so my calves were hurting. Feel the burn!! It really made me miss my belly dance class. I wish there was one around here. I did it for two years and made it to the advanced class. My friends and I started it as something to do together, but I moved up after the first session and they didn’t. They eventually caught up with me. It all centers around doing it with my friends. I really miss having them here. But Nikki and Lisa are coming down to go to the drive in tonight. I’m really pumped! I can’t wait to see them!! I didn’t get my child support today. It always comes on Fridays except when I need it. Then it comes on Monday. I hate those people.

6/24 Renewed spirit

It’s not cancer so that’s a huge relief!!! I have a renewed devotion. I took my dogs separately for walks. I meant to walk a half hour, but went 45 minutes. I took the jack rat first. He was the warm up. He’s more of a distance runner. Then I came home and switched out for the overweight beagle. She’s like the cool down, slow and steady. It does feel better to actually put on workout clothes (including powder). Maybe there is something to not just staying in your pj’s. I might tackle the pull up bar again today. My post on facebook caused quite a few responses. I called it the long arm hang :-)

I decided to put the bar up and try some of these reverse pull ups. That didn’t really work out, but I found that if I put my feet at a diagonal on the step stool I can lift my upper body weight without putting weight on my feet. I did like 5 and then I put on the arm straps and lifted both feet at the same time 3 times. Not much, but it’s a start. I might do it again this evening. It was actually kind of fun.

6/22

I decided to do some research on fitness today. I found this Nike site where you make a little person of yourself that’s supposed to motivate you, I guess. I couldn’t quite figure out how to use it, but I guess there’s some kind of community out there? I did find that there is a way to link it to your blog, so I did. Guess I’ll check that out again. Then I found this great article on how to become a runner. It’s got a doable schedule so I’m going to try it out.

I went to the store and got powder and sports bras. HUGE difference! Who knew there was so much to learn? Probably all of the people who make their livings as personal trainers. So I also bought a Gold’s Gym pull up bar. I actually bought the circuit training system. It was only $49. I guess you have to have it for this P90X, when it gets here. I was pretty excited. I came home and put it together. That was the easy part. Then I found a door that it hangs nicely on. I don’t know why I thought I could do even one pull up. I watched the DVD that came with it. It seems easy enough. Their routine is that you do as much as you can in one minute and work through the circuit like that 3 times. Every other day you do an hour of cardio. The guy’s voice on the DVD wasn’t very motivating. The screen is divided into three sections. A regular guy, a super muscular guy and a woman. Well, turns out there are these resistance bands you can get to do assisted pull ups, which I learned the hard way. Unfortunately, when I got online to look for these magic bands, they cost more than the whole circuit! I couldn’t even find any by Gold’s Gym. I found some on ebay for like $30. I guess I’m going to have to order some. I also did some research on how to do a pull up. Turns out, a lot of people can’t do pull ups. I found this website that said you should start with reverse pull ups where you start in a bent arm hang and then slowly lower yourself. I’m not even sure I can do that. Some how, even though I didn’t lift myself even a millimeter, hanging on the bar trying has left me a little sore. I also tried the abs and core straps. They hang on the bar and you put your arms through them. You are supposed to be able to hold on to the bar with your arms resting in the straps and then lift your legs. Well, I’m 5’3 and am short all over, so my arms didn’t fit right in the straps. But, I managed to lift my legs a couple of times. I did it like the woman in the video where you lift one leg at a time alternating. I never did get brave enough to do any of the other exercises.

6/21

I spent the day emailing with work, looking for a college program that wasn’t full and researching talented and gifted programming. I found a website called peopleofwalmart.com. I was totally disgusted and laughing (I know, I’m a horrible person!) when suddenly I realized, I could just as easily be on that site!!! I would die if I were scrolling through the pictures and found one of myself!

I had a huge blister on the back of my heel. Guess I shouldn’t have borrowed Paula’s shoes. I also had some chiggers on one ankle. Weird, I had just identified them on her son’s leg yesterday! Worse, I found out now why you should wear sports bras! Turns out it’s not for the bouncing as much as it is the CHAFING!!! I’m in pain. I didn’t work out again. What a loser! Or, in this case gainer!

6/20 - Father's Day

I got the front yard cut and used the weed eater around the house. I can’t believe how much work yard work is! I called my friend Paula and told her I was coming to town and we should walk after dinner. She said she’d bring me a pair of shoes since I was already in the car and was wearing flip flops. I forgot I could have just worn a pair of my mom’s. I also had on jean capris. Paula and her son came over and my daughter and niece took the bus to the mall – two things we don’t have in this town. My mom walked with us and led us all over the walking paths in her neighborhood. It must be nice to be rich. Paula ran a 5K on Saturday. I kind of envy her. She’s one of the most fit people I know. But, she works out every morning, walks in the evenings, participates in walks and runs, she’s even in a boot camp exercise class and does spinning classes! She truly is an inspiration, but I can hardly keep up with her.

Before I dropped my sister off, I had her look at my moles. She’s had skin cancer before and she said it looks like it. Great. Something to worry about til Wednesday. I probably shouldn’t have gone tanning on Friday.

6/19

Why is it easier to fall off the wagon rather than jump onto it? Today I decided to tackle the yard. I planted a garden in May. It is full, but I don’t think I planted everything that is growing. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a gardener and don’t know what the ones that are supposed to be there are even supposed to look like! My sister keeps saying she’s going to come over and help me identify plants, but since you can’t do it in the middle of the night and that appears to be the only time she’s awake, I’m not sure that’s going to work.

So I mowed the grass and then started pulling the weeds that I knew for sure that weren’t something I planted. My dogs started going nuts, well, there was a brindle colored pit bull on the other side of my fence. Beings that I have a Jack Rat and a Beagle Mix, he could have come over that fence and torn them up. I got them in the house, hoping he would go away. He didn’t. I pulled a few more weeds and decided I was going to finish the grass in the morning before our father’s day lunch.

6/18

Terri called and said we need to start walking when she gets off work. I said I was game. We made plans to walk at 5, but then she remembered she had a mani/pedi at 6. Then she said she could just walk after that, wearing flip flops. I was thinking flip flops weren’t the best choice, but to each their own! Then she ends the conversation with, “Let’s just go to dinner tonight and start on Monday.” I said ok. Shouldn’t have done that. I went to the shop a half hour early so I could tan. We went to dinner with her kid, her husband (other kid), and his parents. I had a couple of sangrias and got a little tipsy. I haven’t drank in 3 years. It was kind of fun. I guess I don’t make enough grown up time.

6/17

My skin on my back was kind of hurting today. I reached back and found a mole that had obviously gone wild. I could feel it was kind of crusty and it hurt. It felt bigger than usual. I did a body check and I actually have a few that have come to that. I decided it was time to make a doctor’s appointment. My daughter needs appointments too so I scheduled us both for next Wednesday.

6/15

Who would have thought shopping for blenders would be such a daunting task? There are a million to choose from. An advantage (or disadvantage) to living in a small town is that you really only have a small selection to choose from. I guess it makes it easier to make a choice. I asked Paula this morning what her take on blenders was. She said she didn’t have an opinion, then proceeded to tell me about a wide variety of blender experiences. I was like, so you do have a take on blenders after all. See, mine burnt up over a year ago. I decided for this humid summer, or as the KCCI weather guy calls it, “air you can wear,” I thought smoothies sound good. So I’m off to shop for a blender.

The good news is, I got on the scale yesterday and I’ve lost 5 lbs!! Turns out, all this sweating isn’t for nothing afterall. Haven’t worked out yet. A little sore from the upper body work out yesterday. I did go for a walk as was my goal. It’s the little milestones.

6/14 the cold hard truth

I haven’t worked out since the 11th. Where does the time go? I’ve just been hiding in my house. Partly because I don’t have any money and partly because I’m just a lazy procrastinator. I have this internet friend in California. We’ve been talking for about a decade. I just got his first pic the other day. Wasn’t what I expected, but I didn’t really have any expectations anyway I guess. He’s always nagging me about working out. He says I should be like 117. I think that’s just ridiculous. But I humor him. He bought P90X the other day and is really pushing me to do it. I don’t know if I can, but I agreed. I guess he’s gonna send it to me.
He’s always talking about Jillian Michaels. No offense to her, but I don’t really want to look like that. I saw a when I was 17 on her. Her motivation was a muscular woman in a movie. That doesn’t work for me. If I were to aspire to be like someone, I would aspire because of their intelligence rather than their figure, but to me power=intelligence rather than strength. That’s just me. But I watched her show last night for the first time and it was inspiring. I wish they’d publish the workout regimen and diet, but I suppose they wouldn’t make any money at their website if they gave it away for free. I wonder if she feels like a sell out. I mean, what’s her real motivation? To help people or to make money? Doesn’t anyone do anything anymore just because they believe in it? Why does it have to be about the bottom dollar? I’m a teacher. Do you really think I do it for the money? I think politicians should have to try to live on a teacher’s salary. There would be a completely different group of politicians out there if you took the money factor out. You would be left with the people that really care about the state of our government.

So today I decided I was going to shake things up. I pulled out My Personal Trainer on Wii. I bought it last summer and did it for a little while. It wasn’t working very quickly, then again, I give up easily. So it wouldn’t let me put in my new weight and measurements since it’s been a year and I decided I needed to start honestly, so I created a new profile. You start by measuring. The numbers are staggering.

Weight: 185 lbs
Biceps: 14 in.
Chest: 44 in.
Waist: 43 in.
Hips: 46 ¼ in.
Thighs: 26 ¾ in.

I don’t even like to look, let alone, why would I publicly post them? Because I should be ashamed. I remember when I had a waist the size of one of my thighs. Granted that was in 9th grade, but I did. I wasn’t sure where to measure the chest so I went with the broadest part (over the boobs, no bra). At least the boobs are still up in the chest area. Could you imagine taking that measurement down at the knees :-)

Then you go on to the fitness assessment. I suppose by still smoking, I’m kind of being counter productive. I keep saying I’m going to quit, but I don’t. Maybe today’s the day. I just hope I don’t kill anyone. Even though the assessment had me sweating, I decided to go ahead with a 15 minute upper body workout while it was on. My goal is to start walking on top of doing the workouts in the morning as I have been. I might take my dog.

6/11 Is anybody actually reading these?

6/11/10
My back still hurt this morning, but I persevered. I did the burn and firm workout today. I can feel it in my thighs since we turned up the dial. I’m sweating bad! I only made it through 16 minutes. I felt kind of like I was going to throw up. “Sexy” girl was moved closer to the front on this one. She probably slept with the producer. There were dorky cheerleader moves today too. She was good at it. She must have been a cheerleader. There was another one that looked like Lindsay Lohan. I hadn’t noticed her before today. When I go back to the other videos, I’ll have to look for her. Am I really supposed to believe that those bulky guys maintain the muscles with these workouts?

6/10

I woke up and my back was out right between the shoulder blades. I must have a pinched nerve because there was a tingling down my left arm and it wasn’t from a heart attack. I spent most of the day in bed. Aspirin didn’t help. I made Melicia massage me.

6/9 I wanna see her fall!

I decided to mix things up today. I went with the air tight abs. For a long time I wondered if I was doing it right because I could only feel it in my butt, thighs and calves. I wondered if my abs were just missing. But then I remember they existed once because I remember I had a four pack at one time. Regardless I am sweating just the same. I’ve got my trusty bottle of water. I put deodorant on before working out today remembering the onion smell from yesterday, but my shirt must have came out of the same load as Friday because it’s back to mildew for me. I made it through the workout this time. It was only like 18 minutes long. I was watching the girl on the back right (from my point of view). She was trying to look all sexy and I could see she started to lose her balance a little. Gives me something to focus on :-) I wonder why they don’t make blooper reels on workout videos. I bet they're funny as shit. I suppose it would be bad publicity to have someone fall off their air climber – God forbid we let the fatties at home see what they’re really in for.

6/8 - Back on the wagon!

I felt really lethargic yesterday. I decided that I do feel better when I work out and drink water. I woke up with chest pains, but it wasn’t heart as much as it was slunching over all day yesterday being a bum. I had my usual coffee and cigarettes for breakfast. I took the kids to school cause it was raining and then came home and drank a diet mountain dew before I worked up the courage to work out. Why does it take so much will power when I know it makes me feel better inside and out?
Whew, does anyone smell that? That’s all me. Smells like onions. Better than the mildew from the other day. I was sure I would make it through the video today, but I only got to 22 ½ minutes. Maybe tomorrow. I told Ang this morning that I had gotten really fat. Just had to warn her since we’re meeting tonight. She said she’s gotten really old. I told her the secret to younger looking skin is to eat more. The fatness fills in the lines! Have a couple of twinkies.

I have a lunch date today. I’m not into him at all. I don’t know why I bother.

6/7 I'm a loser!

Again, didn’t work out. Didn’t do anything really – including shower.

6/6 OFF THE WAGON

Didn’t work out again today. Laid around and watched TV and did some cleaning.

6/5 :-/

I didn’t work out today. Yesterday I drank two pitchers of water and took some aspirin right away. I wasn’t really sore. I felt really good though. I listened to music and cleaned. I went shopping with Terri and Rayce for 7 hours and carried him quite a bit, does that count for anything?

6/4 It begins

Today is the first day of my summer vacation. I tipped the scales last week at 185. That’s 5 pounds heavier than I was the day I gave birth 12 years ago. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by next school year. I got up this morning at 4:10 and had my usual breakfast of coffee and cigarettes, with my favorite chocolate caramel coffee creamer. I psyched myself up for the first couple of hours by watching youtube videos of the air climber and various other exercise videos. I watched the ab roller and imagined myself using that: go down once, land on the face, and it’s over. I chuckled as I remembered the day I fell off the treadmill at the gym and broke my toe. Then I remembered that it is possible and how good I looked when Lisa and I used to go to the gym every day. That was our time. We’d dump the kids off in the daycare and work out vigorously for an hour as we bitched about our jobs, our ex-husbands, and then fixed our eyes on the hot guys. It was a lot easier to imagine that I was chasing one of them.

I worked up the nerve to use the air climber I bought a year and a half ago. I had to go on the hunt for the video. I remembered it had been stuffed under the dvd player since the one and only time I had ever gotten on it. Then last weekend when I got dish network, I moved it somewhere else where the installer guy wouldn’t see it. I guess I didn’t mind the machine itself. It was doing a fine job of holding the excess books that didn’t fit on my bookshelves. You could hardly tell it was an unused weight machine.

I found the dvd, found the tube (my dog chewed the comfy grip handle off one side). I pulled the cord for a while to make sure she hadn’t chewed anything else or we would have another unfavorable exercise accident. No wonder it smells like piss in here! After cleaning that up, I pulled the air climber out from under my books. I had to watch the introduction video again because I couldn’t remember how to set it up. I couldn’t read the numbers on the dial through the dust so I had to scrape some off. I got it set up and I was ready to go!
I skipped the workout for beginners. I wanted to use the tube since I hadn’t gotten past the first video last time. I started warming up. You know the peaceful sound of a crackling bon fire? That’s what my body sounded like as I stretched and creaked. The workout begins. Within the first five minutes I could feel my calves screaming expletives and I was pumping, pumping. Ten minutes in, I realized I must have left the laundry in the washer too long. I could smell the mildew rising up my body. Maybe it was just my unused female parts. As I worked out, I could feel the trickles of sweat beading out from under my boobs and dripping off of my glasses, like a tear. The sadness from my fat saying goodbye.
At 20 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. Why weren’t their faces red and blotchy? Why wasn’t their hair slicked with sweat and sticking to them? The timer on the dvd player hit 21. I could do no more. I stepped off the stepper gingerly as I knew this was the point where I could seriously hurt myself. I decided to try to keep up with her from the floor. I had never let go of the handles so when they dislodged from the stepper, they slapped me in the back of the legs. I persevered. I kept up for another minute before I had to fast forward to the cool down. No ab workout today. Maybe next time.

I went to fill my water bottle. Of course the filter pitcher was in the fridge empty. Story of my life, cold and empty. I refilled and waited. I’m going to need lots of water to flush these toxins today. I’ll check back tomorrow. Better take some aspirin too.

Background info

It’s time to be brutally honest with myself. Two years ago I was in a no where relationship and a horrible job. It all got to be too much. I had a nervous breakdown. The downward spiral began there. The doctor put me on paxil and some other medication that kept me out for a week. I stayed on the paxil for a year. I can make excuses and say it was the drug, but it was me too because I gave up on life at that moment. I got a sweet job that I only worked til noon everyday for fulltime pay. I slept about 18 hours a day. I gained 25 pounds. I was already at 160. I took in this loser guy and let him take all the money I had.

In May, I wised up. I threw him out (after paying to fix his van so he could leave). I stopped taking the paxil. In July I joined weight watchers and after two months, I had lost 10 pounds. I never started working out and the next year began. It was too hard and I got back on other kinds of medication. They all made me tired. I stopped the medication, but I ate. Anything I could and everything I could. Here I am back at 185.

I have a closet full of clothes in the wrong size. For the last two years I have been rotating through the same five outfits. I have avoided dating. I have avoided going in public. I don’t even want people stopping by. I go shopping and I buy another pair of pajamas because everything looks bad and I can only imagine hiding in my house in something comfortable.